Getting my thoughts in line is really difficult for me. I guess that's why I fail to keep up with my blogging. And the craziest part of it is, blogging makes me happy. Getting my thoughts, however ridiculous they may be, out of me and into written form where I can examine them is how I let them go. I find that if I don't write out my feelings, I have a hard time letting go of things out of my control and moving forward with my life. Lately, I haven't done a good job of letting go of things.
Today, I learned that we could be PCS-ing soon. I expected to not be open or welcome to that idea. I mean, Fort Bragg has been our home for the last five years, and I didn't think that I would ever be open to leaving the place that our son has essentially been raised. However, when it was brought up through email with my husband today, I found that I was actually excited about the prospect of leaving. And that caused me to take a step back. I've been thinking on it for a few hours now, and the only thing I can conclude is that I don't feel that I can be my best self here anymore.
I used to pride myself on being a great mother. I spent hours with my son, playing, creating, imagining... everything under the sun. If he needed it, I was there. Lately, my son has been spending his days in his room, playing alone. Something that even as I write this, makes tears come to my eyes. I hate that I am no longer that mom for him. And of course, a lot has changed with Emma coming along and I no longer have as much time for him as I did before caring for an infant, but it's really no excuse. I'm not taking care of him. Sure, he has clothes, and food and a roof, and regular baths, etc, but I no longer invest time in the core being of HIM. I no longer take the time to teach him the things his mother should be teaching him. I no longer push him to be HIS best self, because I'm not being my best self. I want so much more for him than that, and I feel like I can't do that here.
What is it about here that keeps me from taking care of my family in a way that I would normally? Up until a year or so ago, I was trucking along just fine, managing to maintain my identity and still raise Braeden in a way that I'd always dreamed of raising my children. It's like I feel stifled. I feel like the one thing I need, and am lacking, is someone to see that I'm spiraling, and care. I feel like I am so different from everyone else out here. And the funny thing is, I have a lot in common with every friend that I have. It's different from person to person, but ultimately, each of the friends I have out here, I have a ton of things in common with. But I still feel different from them. Most days, I feel like I'm forty years old, trying to live in a world with twenty-five year olds. I'm only twenty-seven! I look around at my friends and their individual little families and I think... Man, they really have their routines and places down pact. Many of my friends could be locked in their houses with their husbands and children and would love every minute of it. And I always think to myself that there must be something wrong with me. Why is it that I can't find that utter contentment with my loved ones? Why isn't their company enough for me?
Because it's not.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and children dearly, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. But after 5 days of constantly spending all of my time with them, I can't wait to break free and do something solely for myself. Away from them. And then I feel hateful because I look to my friends and they seem to be at their happiest when they are spending quality time with their families.
I feel like I'm losing my identity. My role in life has become that of Mother, Wife, Friend and then Erin. I used to be so many other things. It's hard to even type this because I'm admitting to myself that I don't know who I am anymore. I try my hardest to be the best person that I can be and to make the best choices that I can make for my family, but I'm losing myself in the process. I'm tired of being presented with the choice of doing the right thing or losing something that is so important to me.
So I'm ready to move. Sure it will be sad. But it will also be very happy. I want to start over. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want to start fresh somewhere and be the person I want to be and not question myself anymore. And if that place happened to be closer to my family and loved ones, I would be all the happier. I'm tired of feeling so alone in a place that I used to be surrounded with people in. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm tired of being so many things for so many people and having nothing left for myself. I'm tired of being so alone with myself that I loathe myself. I'm just tired.
